"The Old Bloke" <grates@microsft.com> wrote :
>I went to one of Aus largest banks today to deposit $50,000. I was turned
>away because I didn't have an appointment to deposit money!
86-year old lady's letter to bank:
Dear Sirs:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of
the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in
place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief
window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs
from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and
letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I
require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,
but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will
issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings
with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I
have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Please allow me to level the playing field even further by asking you to
press the following buttons when calling me:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that
Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on
occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration
of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I
wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
Vernon Balbert
Dallas
