nUSEweb.com

>
> "The Old Bloke" <grates@microsft.com> wrote :
>
> 86-year old lady's letter to bank:
>
>
> Dear Sirs:
>
> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
> pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must
> have
> elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of
> the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
> deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in
> place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief
> window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
> penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs
> from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
> financial ways.
>
> I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and
> letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
> overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
>
> From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
> person.
> My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
> automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally
> and
> confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
>
> Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person
> to
> open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I
> require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight
> pages,
> but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
> me, there is no alternative.
>
> Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
> countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
> financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
> accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will
> issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings
> with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I
> have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access
> my
> account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
> sincerest form of flattery.
>
> Please allow me to level the playing field even further by asking you to
> press the following buttons when calling me:
>
> IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
>
> #1. To make an appointment to see me
>
> #2. To query a missing payment.
>
> #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
>
> #4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
>
> #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
>
> #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
>
> #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
> required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that
> Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
>
> #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
>
> #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put
> on
> hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
>
> #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on
> occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
> duration
> of the call.
>
> Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
> establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I
> wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
>
> Your Humble Client
>
>